Mistletoe on 34th Street Read online

  Bringing my head up I looked straight into the eyes of a man, probably in his late fifties, with stained clothing and a nervous twitch. He was chewing his cigarette and looking at me. ‘Sexy bitch.’

  ‘Go away please,’ I said, firmly.

  He came closer, leaning over me. ‘Do you want dick?’

  My heart began to pound, with fear, with frustration, with anger. ‘No.’ I stood up to move away but he stood in front of me. He didn’t seem so frail now; now he seemed taller than me, tougher than me.

  ‘Want a bit of dick, sexy bitch?’

  ‘Go away.’ I tried to push past him but he pushed me back to the ground and I banged my head against the wall on the way down. The man glanced around and then bent down towards me with a look that I knew wasn’t compassion or concern.

  He leered closer and I felt like I wanted time to stop. A red rage was brewing in me but I just needed a moment – could someone just give me a moment to gather my thoughts?

  But there were no moments, no time for reflecting or feeling sorry for myself, because I had to get myself out of my mess. I opened my mouth and bunched my fists and was about to fight back when the man suddenly hurtled to the side.

  I watched him, confused, as he stumbled and fell away from me, and only when I was swept up off the ground by two strong arms did my eyes leave the man and my face bury into a familiar woodsmoke coat.

  Jon held me close. I dug my face further into his chest and I didn’t have the strength to look out again, but I heard shouting, felt the bump against Jon as the man clearly tried to fight back, but Jon shielded me and let his back take the force, and then we were gone, back on the main road, back to where Christmas music seeped out of restaurants and bars and the noise of people chattering drowned out the noise of my heart racing. Only then did we stop walking.

  I looked up at Jon, sniffling. ‘I don’t need saving. I can save myself,’ I said, my voice small as he put me down on the ground.

  ‘I know you can, but that doesn’t mean you always have to,’ Jon said kindly, though I didn’t feel I deserved it.

  ‘Where’s everyone else?’

  ‘They carried on back to the apartment; I said I’d meet you.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘When Dee said you called I figured something must be wrong. And I thought you’d maybe rather see me than a bunch of your colleagues. To save face, and all that.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘That’s OK.’

  ‘No, but, thank you for meeting me, and for … that … with that guy.’

  Jon pulled me in close again and we stood quietly for a bit while I stopped shaking.

  After a while I pulled back. ‘Where’s Dani?’ I asked.

  ‘She went home.’

  ‘Oh. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be.’

  The snow was melting on my head and dripping onto my eyelashes. ‘We’re getting really wet.’

  ‘I know,’ he said.

  ‘And cold. And my head hurts.’

  ‘Do you want to get it checked, or shall I take you home?’

  ‘No, and … no. It was just a bump but I don’t think I want to face everyone yet. I might want one more drink, to calm the nerves. Somewhere a bit quieter than Bar X?’

  ‘All right,’ said Jon. We began walking up the street, him never taking his arm out from behind me. ‘I know just the place.’

  ‘You really did know just the place,’ I said, sinking into a leather chair by a window, looking out over a rooftop terrace that was sprinkled with fairy lights. A candle flickered on the table between us, and gentle, quiet music was being played on a piano across the other side of the lounge. And on all the walls: books, books, books. ‘How did you know about this?’

  Jon hesitated. ‘This … is where I knew I always wanted to take you, if we went on a date.’

  ‘Oh.’ Oh.

  ‘I knew as soon as I heard the name the Library Hotel that this would be somewhere you’d like, so on an evening off from the conference last Christmas I came here to check it out, came up here to the Bookmarks Bar, and thought, yep – one day I’ll bring Liv here.’

  I sipped my Tea S. Eliot cocktail (made with Earl Grey and vanilla-infused vodka). ‘You thought about bringing me here … last year?’

  Jon nodded, watching me carefully. ‘Yep. Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?’

  ‘With Elijah? No, not really.’

  ‘Did you fart again in front of him?’

  ‘Worse – I sharted.’

  Jon laughed and I watched him for a moment. He knew me.

  I sighed. ‘Arrrgghh, what was I thinking?’

  ‘You were following what your heart wanted,’ he said, kindly, his eyes moving away from me to look down at his drink – a Tequila Mockingbird.

  I think I was ignoring what my heart wanted. I’d been so obsessed with finding ‘the spark’ and feeling that ‘instant attraction’. It was only now occurring to me that the thing that instantly attracted me to men, since Kevin and I had split, was their unavailability. I’m not talking married or attached men, but without fail they were always people that would never in a million years become the thing that scared me the most: A Relationship.

  I’m not denying I had a great time with most of these men, for the short time they were part of my life, and they were healthy, happy choices at the time. But when they had to get back on their plane, or it was the end of the night, or I was moving on, I never once looked back and wished they’d stuck around.

  ‘I’m not feeling entirely blue over Elijah, by the way,’ I said, suddenly. ‘I mean I was – I’m human and the whole thing was a bit humiliating. Never nice to realise you’ve made a massive mistake, is it?’

  ‘So he was a mistake?’ Jon asked, his voice soft.

  ‘Very much. But thankfully he showed his true colours before things went too far.’ I could tell Jon was concerned, and unsure about exactly what I meant, so I clarified, ‘Don’t worry, he didn’t do anything too bad, he just doesn’t understand women as much as he thinks he does. The words “whore”, “begging” and “crazy” were used. He’s not exactly HeForShe.’ I took a gulp of my drink and waved my hand to brush this aside before Jon could get too riled on my behalf. ‘Anyway, Elijah is just a fuckboy and he’s gone now. Tell me about Dani. You two seemed to be hitting it off.’

  Jon shrugged and looked down at his drink, and I watched his kind face fall into his thinking expression. Dani was lucky to have him.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘We were both just a little merry.’

  ‘But she went home?’

  He nodded.

  ‘Did you ask her to go?’ I pried. This was so none of my business, but my filter had come off and I was too exhausted to put it back on.

  ‘Actually, she excused herself. When I said I was going to leave the club to meet you.’

  Oh, I was the worst. Dani was truly a nice girl and I cringed at the thought of her going home alone, resenting me. I really needed to figure my shit out. ‘Sorry, Jon.’

  ‘Nothing to apologise for,’ he said kindly. ‘Now, since we’re already feeling bruised-of-heart and kind of tipsy, do you want to tell me what else you’re feeling blue about, while you’re at it?’

  ‘Haha, well it is Christmas, after all, so why not?’ I took a deep breath. ‘I feel blue because … I’ve tried very hard for a long time not to need to be co-dependent, and I kind of just realised that my reasoning all stemmed back to one thing: Kevin. So in a way, I hadn’t let go at all, and that makes me angry.’

  ‘All right. Sometimes it’s good to be angry. Fuck you, Kevin.’

  I smiled. ‘Have I ever really told you about Kevin?’ Jon shook his head. I took a sip of my drink and looked out of the window for a moment. Was I really going to tell Jon everything? I took another sip. Yes, yes I was. ‘Kevin and I were together for years – we met just after uni. We were even engaged for a short while. He was a bit rubbish with money, but we were happy, and committed,
and we were saving, slowly but surely, for our future, our family, for that house in the country.’

  ‘Ahh, the notorious “house in the country”.’

  ‘I helped him pay off his debts, we put everything into a joint bank account, we actually had quite a healthy deposit building up for a while there. I felt completely secure, he was my other half, our families got on, our friends got on. I think you met him, once, didn’t you? At post-conference drinks in London, the first year we knew each other? You probably don’t remember.’

  ‘I remember,’ said Jon. ‘I didn’t like him very much.’

  ‘You didn’t?’ I was surprised. ‘Everyone liked him – he was funny and charming, and very quick to buy the rounds.’

  ‘I remember thinking he was a bit showy, like it was all about appearing to be everyone’s best friend.’

  Jon’s candour stung a little, but I had to admit that he was right on the mark. I wondered if Kevin’s personality had been that obvious to everyone – everyone except me, that is. ‘Well, I liked him. I thought I was in an absolute winner of a relationship, and I was happy and excited and, oh my god that House in the Country. It was our dream, and we were nearly there.’

  ‘It was both of your dreams?’

  ‘Yes,’ I answered honestly. ‘That’s one hundred per cent what I’ve always wanted. It’s what I had wanted. With him.’

  Jon broke into my thoughts after I’d gone silent for a few moments. ‘Come on then, hit me, let’s smash this dream; what happened next?’

  ‘Ah, now that’s where he upped and left me, out of the blue. I came home one day from work and he’d moved out. He left me a note, full of apologies, full of excuses and I was just completely blindsided. It was like … he’d never cared at all. All that time and energy and years and love and he was just gone.’ I let out a long, noisy sigh and shook away the tears that threatened to spill again.

  Jon looked perplexed. ‘But … why … ’

  ‘Why did he leave? I think “the dream” was just all too much. All the talk of the future, which he’d been completely into at the time, got on top of him and he panicked. The money was a big thing too. He could never quite crawl out of debt and he could also never quite face the fact that he really had to. So he left, and he took way more than his fair share of our house deposit with him.’

  ‘He did what? That’s not legal, surely? I’ll kill him, and get the money back, and then we’ll get you that house.’

  I locked my knees in with Jon’s. He was so comforting to be around. ‘He’s long gone, but thank you. And I couldn’t get the money back because we both had ownership of the account – there’s nothing at all the bank could do. I looked into whether I could take legal action but it was estimated that the fees wouldn’t be that far off my half of the house deposit anyway.’

  I met Jon’s gaze and we stared at each other for a moment. I was drained. ‘I thought I was doing everything right ever since. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t wallowing in self-pity, I was building myself back up and not letting myself get attached to anyone again.’

  ‘Saving up ever since for that house in the country?’

  I couldn’t help but start laughing. Was I imagining it, or did getting things off your chest make you feel like you’ve lost twenty pounds?

  Jon’s concerned smile turned into that big delighted one that I was so fond of. ‘This isn’t some kind of Miss Havisham thing, is it, where you’ll buy the house and whack on a wedding dress and then sit waiting for him to move in for the rest of your life?’

  ‘No. I think I’ve spent enough time basing life choices around him. I bet he sure as hell isn’t basing much around me.’

  ‘Then more fool him,’ said Jon, and asked for a couple more drinks from the bartender. ‘One more, then shall we go home? Start New York afresh tomorrow?’

  I nodded. ‘Thanks, Clarence.’

  Part 3

  Good tidings we bring to you and your kin

  We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

  21 December

  4 days to Christmas

  I woke up, unsure if I’d actually fallen asleep at all. For a long time I just stared at a framed photo of a snow-capped mountain that was hanging on the wall. Next to me, Abigail slept peacefully; the deep slumber of someone who had had too much wine and was exhausted by all the worrying they’d been doing.

  Eventually I reached for my phone and checked the time, shielding the light under the duvet cover. Three twenty-five in the morning. My body felt uncomfortable – aching, stiff, protective of itself.

  As silently as I could manage I stepped from the bed and collected my discarded slipper socks from the floor. I told myself I wanted a drink from the kitchen, but actually, I knew I was just finding an excuse to be near Jon.

  I walked into the kitchenette, calmed by the sound of Carl’s snoring coming from the sofa bed, like a purr in the dead of night. I stood for a moment, listening, focusing on the noise, and trying to get out of my own head. It was as I was pouring a small glass of water that I heard a whispered, ‘Hey.’

  I squinted into the dark to see Jon sitting up in his lilo bed on the floor. ‘Hi,’ I whispered.

  ‘Can’t sleep?’

  ‘No. Did I wake you?’

  ‘No. Do you want to come and lie with me?’

  Lie with someone? I hadn’t wanted that for a long time. I’d wanted distance or I’d wanted passion, but closeness … ‘Yeah,’ I whispered, and put down the glass.

  Even in the small apartment his bed seemed a great distance, and I felt clumsy and on-show picking my way towards him, but I didn’t mind feeling vulnerable in front of him – he didn’t make me feel ashamed about my vulnerabilities. I reached him and he held open his duvet for me to climb inside.

  Jon’s body was warm – I could tell before I even touched him. He placed the duvet over me and lay beside me for a moment with us both staring up at the ceiling. And then I made a decision.

  I rolled onto my side and reached for Jon’s hand, pulling him over me so we spooned, his breath on my neck, his heavy arm resting across mine, and our legs entwined. I snuggled back into him, the consequences of my actions no more than a tiny pinprick of a thought to worry about in the morning. Our breathing slowed and synced, and I finally felt calmer.

  Only I still couldn’t sleep, and I lay there with my eyes open, thinking, thinking about all the things I didn’t usually give myself time to think about.

  After a while Jon whispered in my ear, ‘Are you still awake?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I whispered back.

  ‘Do you want to talk?’

  ‘No, I’m talked out, but thanks.’ But I did feel the need to blast a bit of cold air through my head. ‘Do you want to go on the roof?’

  ‘I know it’s been a shitty night, but I don’t think you should kill yourself,’ he said, wrapping an arm around me tighter.

  I wriggled out from under him. ‘Lara mentioned it in the note; you can go up on the roof and look out over the city. You wanna come?’

  He climbed out after me and handed me one of his large hoodies to put on over my PJs, which I was grateful for the minute we left the warmth of the apartment.

  ‘It wasn’t entirely a shitty night,’ I said, as we climbed the stairs to the roof door. ‘I had a nice date with you.’

  As soon as I said it I regretted it – I was on dangerous ground here, and until I knew what I wanted I had to stop saying things like that. It would be so easy to like Jon in the way he seemed to like me. And I knew I could feel it – a small ember in me that burned for him. But I didn’t want to play with his heart, Britney-style.

  We stepped on to the rooftop and it took our breath away. You could see it all from here: the Empire State Building, 30 Rock, the One World Trade Center … If it wasn’t so nose-numbingly freezing I would have happily slept up here. The snowflakes the size of ten-pence pieces would’ve been an issue too.

  ‘The snow’s getting harder here now,’ I commented. ‘Th
e US will close its airports next. I love this city.’ I huffed out, my breath plumbing into a frosty cloud in front of me.

  ‘You do strike me as a city girl. And yet you want to move out to the country?’

  ‘It was always in the plan, but now … I guess I’ve been thinking about what we were talking about back at the Library Hotel. I’ve been so angry at Kevin for so many years – and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being angry at him, really. I know you should forgive and forget but how do you do that when someone you truly believe cares about you takes everything you’ve dreamed about and runs away with it? Not just the money, but that was my life. And I’ve been trying so hard to build it all back up again that I’ve barely had time to think about whether I still want what I thought I wanted. Maybe my plan should change.’

  ‘Do you think it’s changing now?’

  ‘I think I’m changing now. I wanted to prove I was unbreakable, that I could claw my way back to financial freedom and get that house, and that nobody could stop me. I don’t quit anything, so quitting this idea is hard.’

  A cold wind whipped my face and I stared hard at the city, willing the new dream to break through.

  ‘It’s OK to quit a dream that was never yours in the first place – it was yours and Kevin’s. What you need to not quit on is yourself. Building yourself and your dreams back up.’

  He was saying the words that were already floating inside my head, that had always been there really but had been pushed back behind this wall, this intense focus. ‘I don’t want to move out to the country. I like my life and my job and my friends and I like living in London, so maybe I should just shut up and actually live in London. I know I want my own place, that I can paint how I want, and I can hang pictures where I want, and I can have a pet if I want. So, I’ve decided … ’ I paused. What was I thinking? Just say it, Liv. ‘I’ve decided that maybe rather than spending the next four years trying to save for that house in the country for my non-existent family and my arsehole of an ex-boyfriend, that maybe I should buy a flat, just for me, now, in the place I actually want to live in.’